My eldest, aptly named Stress 1, decided to read my blog last night. My blog is not hidden and I'm sure he's known about it since its inception, but last night he read it.
His comments went from "you're a good writer, funny." "I wish I sounded that funny on paper blah, blah, blah" to ::Crickets:: No comments at all. Clearly he had read back farther than he wished he had.
There was a time, a few years ago, when he was not the light of joy he is now (<~~~~~ insert sarcastic tone here). There was the "dark time". The time best left in the past. A time when my heart was broken from a loss I never knew I could endure. A time when, although I still loved him, I was completely and utterly disappointed in him. You've all been there through it with me and you know of which "times" I speak.
This morning the texting began. Texts like "I didn't know you had such a low opinion of me" and "no wonder none of your friends like me" and my personal favorite "well, we weren't exactly the best of friends then".
I tried to explain to him that while this is my blog, my personal space, my sounding board if you will, that I never meant to hurt his feelings. But also, I am wholly unapologetic for the things I wrote. They were real. They were me. They needed to be put out there for my own health and sanity.
I didn't talk to anyone about the Lorelai situation, except you guys. I didn't talk to anyone about the "legal" issues, except you guys. I didn't express to anyone my sadness and disappointment in the way things were going for him...except to you guys. You were my rocks and I needed you all. Each and every one of you. And I hope he gets that. I needed all of you to get through those times.
We talked - or shall I say texted. (And that's another tangent for another day, but WTF with texting all the time??? I would rather talk, scream, cry or whatever else needs to be done than text!) I think we're ok. I told him that I'm not in that place anymore. I don't think he's bad - truly I never did think he was bad. I don't have a low opinion of him and most importantly, I really hope and pray his life is on an upswing now and will continue in that way. He's been working fairly steadily since he had the cast removed. His dad has been a steadying influence on him for sure. He's seemingly on a straight path.
But Chris...when you read this, and I'm sure you will - know that I'm hopeful, cautiously optimistic even, that you can stay on that straight path. Also know that as a parent, even though we love our children to the brink of insanity at times, we still have the capacity to feel disappointment in them and/or the choices they make. It never means we love them any less.
One of the last things I said to Chris was that I wanted to move forward and that was impossible to do if you're constantly looking in the rear view. So let's forget those times and move forward. I love you.