Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My first (YES Chris, this one IS about you)...

My eldest, aptly named Stress 1, decided to read my blog last night.  My blog is not hidden and I'm sure he's known about it since its inception, but last night he read it.

His comments went from "you're a good writer, funny."  "I wish I sounded that funny on paper blah, blah, blah" to ::Crickets::  No comments at all.  Clearly he had read back farther than he wished he had.

There was a time, a few years ago, when he was not the light of joy he is now (<~~~~~ insert sarcastic tone here).  There was the "dark time".  The time best left in the past.  A time when my heart was broken from a loss I never knew I could endure.  A time when, although I still loved him, I was completely and utterly disappointed in him.  You've all been there through it with me and you know of which "times" I speak.

This morning the texting began.  Texts like "I didn't know you had such a low opinion of me" and "no wonder none of your friends like me" and my personal favorite "well, we weren't exactly the best of friends then".

I tried to explain to him that while this is my blog, my personal space, my sounding board if you will, that I never meant to hurt his feelings.  But also, I am wholly unapologetic for the things I wrote.  They were real.  They were me.  They needed to be put out there for my own health and sanity.

I didn't talk to anyone about the Lorelai situation, except you guys.  I didn't talk to anyone about the "legal" issues, except you guys.  I didn't express to anyone my sadness and disappointment in the way things were going for him...except to you guys.  You were my rocks and I needed you all.  Each and every one of you.  And I hope he gets that.  I needed all of you to get through those times.

We talked - or shall I say texted.  (And that's another tangent for another day, but WTF with texting all the time??? I would rather talk, scream, cry or whatever else needs to be done than text!)  I think we're ok.  I told him that I'm not in that place anymore.  I don't think he's bad - truly I never did think he was bad.  I don't have a low opinion of him and most importantly, I really hope and pray his life is on an upswing now and will continue in that way.  He's been working fairly steadily since he had the cast removed.  His dad has been a steadying influence on him for sure.  He's seemingly on a straight path.

But Chris...when you read this, and I'm sure you will - know that I'm hopeful, cautiously optimistic even, that you can stay on that straight path.  Also know that as a parent, even though we love our children to the brink of insanity at times, we still have the capacity to feel disappointment in them and/or the choices they make.  It never means we love them any less.

One of the last things I said to Chris was that I wanted to move forward and that was impossible to do if you're constantly looking in the rear view.  So let's forget those times and move forward.  I love you.


12 comments:

  1. you know, i was there for some of those posts, and maybe because i am a mom to two extremely independent (what i really mean is insanely pigheaded) young men, or maybe because i made lots of crazy mistakes in my past, or maybe because through your crass, obnoxious hilarity, your big heart is right there on your sleeve... and even though some of your words were harsh, all i ever really saw was the love. the pain, too, yes, but pain born from a mom's love which is so very heartbreaking, but can also be mended better and stronger than ever.

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    1. Thanks Deb. Your words mean as much to me now as they did then.

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  2. Very well put, Deb. Yes - a lot of pain, but even more love. It is just that you want, hope and wish for so much for your children. I know it was hard for Chris, but I know it was hard for you, too. Being his Mom and having to take a step back while he made his own decisions.

    I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but our COO was giving us a pep talk this week. She showed a picture looking out the front window of a car so you could see the big horizon out front but you could also see the reflection in the review mirror. She said that is why the review mirror is so small - it is just so you can see the past and know what is behind you but your focus needs to be on the big window so you can see what is in your future.

    Only she said it a lot better than that :-)

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    1. Ah yes, you were there offering comfort and a wig. lol.
      Thanks Jamie :)

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  3. totally agree and I get it more than you know! We have to have an outlet and sometimes it's not just that easy to find someone... glad you have us.

    I'm sure he'll figure it out someday. Also, the texting thing drives me nuts with my son! I call him on his phone and leave a voice mail "this is your mom but then you probably know that since I am the only person that actually CALLS your phone- call me don't text me!"

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    1. I'm glad to have you all too, but remember Tena, that goes both ways :)

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  4. A) Glad you're back! B) That is one of my biggest fears...someone I know or love reading my blog. Hopefully he'll understand that it's just an outlet. And we all need that from time to time!

    xoxo Hang in there!

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  5. Chris,

    Your momma loves you more than life itself. But sometimes (and I say this with 100% authority), our kids do disappoint us. I would take a bullet for my 21 year old son in a hot minute, but there have been times I could have strangled him with my own bare hands.

    It's part of parenting. You hate us sometimes, we aren't always that fond of you.

    But at the end of the day, you are the loves of our lives.

    And, your Mom is a pretty cool chick.

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    1. Thanks for that Jules. I'm sure he knows these things, but I can imagine how hard it was for him to read those things on "paper".

      He certainly knows I'm a cool chick :)

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  6. As a daughter whose mother found her blog during a difficult time in their relationship, this was helpful to read.

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  7. Isn't it the best when our kids get it together!
    I'll let you know when mine does, but in the mean time, at least I have a granny baby to soften the edges of impatience ❤

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